Wednesday, January 21, 2004

American Life By 2007

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order....."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566 and you are calling from your home number."

Customer: "Whoa! Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're connected to THE SYSTEM, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn! So what do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas ."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."


Thursday, January 15, 2004

"If life gives you lemons, put them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger" -Unknown

I know you can be overwhelmed and I'm pretty sure you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?. . . . I think you can in Europe.
-Unknown

A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. -Unknown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown

Cute little babies that fall out of swings - These are a few of my favourite things.
- Oscar Hammerstein , working lyric for a piece from "The Sound of Music"

Most convicted felons are just people who were not taken to museums or Broadway musicals as children.
- Libby Gelman-Waxner

"If I'm not back in five minutes.. wait longer."
- Ace Ventura, Pet Detective

I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.
-Anita Loos

"It's true women can fake orgasms... but men can fake whole relationships." -Unknown

"You are so beyond fucked you couldn't catch a bus back to fucked"
-Suckers

"Somebody may beat me, but they are going to have to bleed to do it." -Unknown

"Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women."
- Katherine Hepburn

"The big majority of Americans, who are comparatively well off, have developed an ability to have enclaves of people living in the greatest misery without almost noticing them."
- Gunnar Myrdal

"When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic."
- Steven Wright

"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking."
- Katherine Cebrian

ANS - we suck less.
ANS - all that's missing is U.
-H. Frosh

I've always held the (rather solisistic) view that parties begin when I arrive, and end when I leave, as I don't experience any party before, nor any party after.... -Zerby

A new home for the holy text...