Friday, November 05, 2004

By C. B. Shapiro

I feel bad for the Red States.

Yes, they won the White House, Congress, the Supreme Court and most of
the state houses. But they still can't have the country they really
want because the last few Blue States won't roll over. So I am making
a simple proposal:

Secession. Divorce. Splitsville.

Personally, I think we made a huge mistake not letting them go when we
had the chance back in 1862. Well, no time like the present to correct
an old mistake.

Then, they would finally be free to have the kind of society they've
always wanted; church and state can be fused so they build the kind of
theocracy they've dreamt of, with Jesus at the helm. Then the new USAR
(United States of America Red) can ban books, repeal civil rights,
persecute gays and have all the wars they like. They want prayer in
schools? More power to them. They can ban abortion and post the Ten
Commandments in every federal building in their country. Bring back
slavery, if they want. We'll be free to live with our like-minded
countrymen who believe in science, modernism, tolerance, religion as a
personal choice, and truly want limited government intrusion in our
personal lives. Why should each side be driven mad by the other any
more, decade after decade?

Call the Culture War a tie and everyone go home.

Of course, we in the U.S.A.B. get the Gross Domestic Product,
businesses and universities of California, New York, Massachussetts --
basically the whole Northeast and Northwest (plus Illinois and Michigan
if they want to come along). They get Wal-Mart and Duke and most of
the Nascar tracks. But they can feel free to import movies, TV shows,
financial services, and defense technology. We'll import country
music, bibles and Confederate flags.

The two countries will by necessity have open immigration policy:
anyone who feels they are living in the wrong country can just move
across the border, no questions asked.

Ultimately, why should I have to convince my fellow countrymen that
Darwin may have had a point and that the word “liberal” is not
equivalent to “godless communist?” And why should they be forced to
live in a country with morally corrupt non-believers? I'll stay in the
messy, free-thinking U.S.A.B. And to the U.S.A.R. I say…

God bless you all, and see you at the U.N

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Progress (n.): The process through which the Internet has evolved from smart
people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.

"I don't want to be a vegetarian.. I want to be a real human" -- Wes